I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
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I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
How wrong was this guy?
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension