[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
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[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
can’t catch a break
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.