Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
You Might Also Like
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!