Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
You Might Also Like
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.