13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
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if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Dammit Chief not again
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.