When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
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I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL