I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
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Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!