When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
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When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Shortcut
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.