Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
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Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?