forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
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Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this