*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
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interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH