Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
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Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you