Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
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Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
🤣🤣🤣🤣
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Sunday
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.