Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
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I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.