If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
You Might Also Like
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
I finally found a reason to live again.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it