I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
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Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
courtroom exchange of the day
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy