Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
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Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
The internet is magic sometimes.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?