Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
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You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.