Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
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One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.