INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
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If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Accurate
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
can you read it!!??
maan!
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you