2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
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I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD