good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
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My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes