sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
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Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]