Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
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Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
A friend sent me this.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends