Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
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My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
handsome & gretel
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!