I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
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“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant