“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
You Might Also Like
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.