Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
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Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
The news
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.