[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
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Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Favourite diary entry ever
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
had to share :’)
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.