AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
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Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
For the orator and chef in all of us
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.