My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
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[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.