I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
You Might Also Like
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
that wasn’t the question
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?