My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
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jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Rt to bother an English speaker
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
this has done me in for some reason
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.