Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
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hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Ha.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Not helping
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*