No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
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I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Mhm.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.