Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
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Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.