Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
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Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Good morning
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested