I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
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One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
My favorite female superhero
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.