I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
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There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.