dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
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Choose your fighter
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.