This is me 🤣🤣
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When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
I am a gravy boat captain
meanwhile over on facebook
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.