Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
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According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]