My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
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Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.