Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
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Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers