I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
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Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.