I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
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Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?