instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
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[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
The old gods are rising again.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”