If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
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Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.