A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
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A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.