if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
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I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Me trying to reach for my goals
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared